From Muggle to Magical: An Irreverent Guide to Becoming the Urban Fantasy Hero You Were Always Meant to Be

From Muggle to Magical: An Irreverent Guide to Becoming the Urban Fantasy Hero You Were Always Meant to Be

By Neal Martin/ April 13, 2023
Last Updated April 26, 2023
urban fantasy sidekick

Are you tired of being just another ordinary Joe or Jane, doomed to live a life of predictability and crushing boredom? Are you fed up with mundane tasks like taking out the trash, paying taxes, and actually having to hold the door open for people like some sort of peasant?

Fear not, my fellow would-be supernatural beings! I will unlock to you the secrets of transcending ordinary human life (puh!) so you can catapult yourself into the realm of urban fantasy (yipee!), where we’ll either save the world or gleefully cause its destruction.

And guess what? It’s as easy as stealing candy from a baby… and only slightly less morally questionable.

In this side-splitting, action-packed guide, I’ll reveal ten foolproof steps that will transform you, your grandma, or even your beloved pet goldfish into an urban fantasy (anti) hero or villain! (Disclaimer: Results may vary for goldfish.)

Are you ready to become a mythical creature of legend or an awe-inspiring superhero with a dark and twisted past? Are you prepared to wield the power of ancient relics and harness the forces of arcane knowledge?

If the answer is yes, then gather your loved ones, strap on your enchanted amulets, and join me as we dive headfirst into the absurd, hilarious, and downright magical world of urban fantasy.

And remember, with great power comes great responsibility… or a really cool cape, depending on your preference.

Step 1: Discover Your Tragic Backstory

tragic backstory
Art by Chadartist99

No urban fantasy hero or villain is complete without a tragic backstory. Uncover the darkest secrets of your past—like that time you accidentally spilled grape juice on your favorite white shirt, or the day you dropped your baby brother down a gutter and he almost drowned and has been severely traumatized ever since and everyone hates you for it. Like that time.

The more heartbreaking, the better!

And don’t be afraid to exaggerate a little—your kindergarten nemesis who stole your crayons can become your long-lost evil twin, while that time you dropped food on the floor and forced your aging grandma to pick it up because you were too lazy and she actually shouted at you for it and so did your parents and everybody else and you’ve never really recovered from the shocking trauma of being victimized in that way can actually transform into a harrowing tale of narrowly escaping from a group of horrible monsters.

Did you once lose a staring contest with your cat? Boom! Now you’re a werecat, cursed to prowl the city streets by night in search of the perfect catnip. Is your high school crush blissfully unaware of your existence? Congratulations, you’re now an invisible sorcerer, cursed to walk the earth unseen by the one you love most. Does everybody hate you for no reason or simply because they don’t like your ugly face? Perfect! You have the makings of a great anti-hero, the one everyone hates but needs at the same time because you’re the only one who understands the darkness out there.

The key here is creativity and the ability to turn the most mundane of life experiences into the stuff of legend. Remember, every good urban fantasy protagonist is defined by their tragic past, so the more epic, tear-jerking, and utterly ridiculous your backstory, the better!

Step 2: Pick Your Supernatural Skill Set

urban fantasy skillset

Are you a telekinetic pastry chef or a necromancer with a green thumb? Brainstorm a list of supernatural skills you’d like to possess, then throw darts at the list while blindfolded. Congratulations! You’re now the proud owner of a random yet fabulous set of magical abilities. Don’t be disheartened if your newfound powers seem less than impressive at first glance—urban fantasy is all about finding the hidden potential in even the most absurd of skills.

Do you have the power to control the growth of facial hair? Embrace your destiny as the world’s most feared (and well-groomed) vigilante! Did you acquire the ability to speak to fruit? Congratulations, you’re now the top negotiator in the battle between good and evil produce! And don’t forget about the ever-popular power of spontaneous interpretive dance, capable of stopping evildoers in their tracks with your mesmerizing, gravity-defying moves.

Remember, the key to success in the urban fantasy world is to combine your unique talents with a healthy dose of imagination and a generous (very generous) sprinkle of absurdity. After all, who wouldn’t be terrified of a vampire with the power to summon an army of squirrels or a demon-slaying barista with the uncanny ability to turn any liquid into a perfectly frothy cappuccino? Or for that matter, a werewolf who pisses actual fire because it has so many STDs and sleeps around a lot?

Unleash your inner superhero (or villain), and prepare to astound the world with your eclectic, ridiculous, and utterly unstoppable supernatural skill set!

Step 3: Choose Your Sidekick

urban fantasy sidekick

Every urban fantasy protagonist needs a quirky sidekick, preferably one with a sassy attitude and a never-ending supply of witty one-liners. A mouth so foul it would make even a seasoned prostitute blush is also a prerequisite. Just be sure to choose wisely—your sidekick will likely save your life at least once, probably using their impeccable comedic timing… and foul mouth.

When selecting your trusty partner-in-crime (or crime-fighting), remember to think outside the box. Why settle for a run-of-the-mill talking animal or snarky ghost when you could team up with a wisecracking houseplant or a sentient, advice-dispensing vacuum cleaner that also cleans up the inevitable mess you leave in your wake? The more bizarre, the better! Urban fantasy thrives on the unexpected, so don’t be afraid to push the boundaries of sidekick-ery.

Consider selecting a sidekick who can complement your unique supernatural skill set. If you’re a pyromancer with a penchant for setting things on fire, perhaps a water-wielding platypus can help you keep things under control. If you’re a werewolf who struggles with shedding, a lint roller with an attitude might just be the perfect companion.

Of course, a good sidekick also needs a memorable name. Forget about “Fluffy” or “Mr. Whiskers”—your sidekick deserves a name that strikes fear (or laughter) into the hearts of your enemies. Choose something like “Backstabbath,” “Snowshovel,” or “Lady Featherbottom the Third” to ensure your sidekick leaves a lasting impression.

Ultimately, your sidekick’s most important job is to provide emotional support and a steady stream of comic relief as you navigate the treacherous world of urban fantasy. So, choose your quirky companion wisely, and together, you’ll form an unstoppable team of magical misfits, ready to take on whatever supernatural challenges come your way!

Step 4: Find Your Magical Artifact

funny urban fantasy

This is the easy part. Rummage through your attic, garage, or local thrift store until you find an object that’s both ancient and inexplicably powerful… like your great-aunt’s dildo. Bonus points if it’s covered in dust and cobwebs, if it whispers ominous prophecies in your ear, or if it smells vaguely of your great-aunt’s pus— I mean, perfume.

When searching for your magical artifact, keep an open mind. Forget about the clichéd crystal balls or enchanted swords—the urban fantasy world is full of powerful objects just waiting to be discovered! Your magical artifact could be anything from a bedazzled fanny pack that grants invisibility to an antique accordion that summons a legion of undead polka dancers.

If you’re struggling to find the perfect artifact, try hosting a garage sale and inviting your mysterious elderly neighbors. There’s a high probability that at least one of them will offer you a seemingly innocuous trinket with a terrifying curse attached. Remember to haggle for the best price, though—no one likes an overpriced curse.

Once you’ve found your magical artifact, it’s crucial to keep it a secret from your friends and family. They might not understand the importance of your newfound power and could accidentally unleash a horde of demonic sock puppets or cause a worldwide shortage of bacon. Trust me, nobody wants that.

So, don your detective hat, grab a flashlight, and embark on a thrilling treasure hunt to uncover the magical artifact that will forever change your destiny! Just remember to keep it away from your pets—no one wants to deal with a psychic goldfish or a teleporting hamster.

Step 5: Develop a Catchphrase

urban fantasy humor

You’ll need a catchy phrase to shout while dramatically posing before vanquishing evil or making a grand entrance. Try to come up with something that captures your unique blend of sarcasm, wit, and mystical prowess. Remember, confidence is key!

To develop the perfect catchphrase, start by brainstorming a list of words and phrases that represent your supernatural skill set and distinct personality. Are you a time-traveling barista with a love of puns? Maybe “Espresso yourself, villain!” is the catchphrase for you. Or perhaps you’re a telepathic fashionista with a flair for the dramatic? Then consider something like “I know exactly what you were thinking when you chose that outfit, and honey, you need to go to jail!”

When crafting your catchphrase, don’t be afraid to get creative with wordplay, alliteration, or rhyming. You could even incorporate a signature dance move or finger snap for added flair. The more memorable and ridiculous, the better! A truly iconic catchphrase should strike fear (or confusion) into the hearts of your enemies while leaving your allies in awe of your linguistic genius.

Once you’ve chosen your catchphrase, it’s important to practice delivering it with gusto. Stand in front of a mirror and shout your catchphrase at your reflection, experimenting with different dramatic poses and facial expressions. Like DeNiro in “Taxi Driver” but just not as deranged. Try it with a cape, sunglasses, or even a fake mustache—whatever it takes to make you feel like the urban fantasy hero or villain you were born to be!

Ultimately, the perfect catchphrase should encapsulate your character’s essence and make you feel invincible. So, get creative, be bold, and prepare to leave your mark on the urban fantasy world with a catchphrase that’s equal parts hilarious, empowering, and absolutely unforgettable!

Step 6: Locate Your Arch-Nemesis

urban fantasy nemesis

Head to the nearest coffee shop and look for someone who orders the exact opposite of your favorite drink. That’s right, the person who likes their coffee black and bitter when you love your latte sweet and frothy is your destined enemy. Let the epic battles commence! But remember, this is urban fantasy, so why stop at coffee shops?

Expand your search to include other hotspots of arch-nemesis activity. Check out the local library and identify the person who scoffs at your favorite book, or visit the grocery store and engage in a heated debate with someone over the merits of crunchy vs. smooth peanut butter. The more bizarre the disagreement, the better the foundation for your legendary rivalry. In fact, here are ten more examples to get your creative juices flowing:

  1. Swing by the grocery store and scope out the person who snags the last box of your favorite cereal, leaving you to wallow in breakfast despair.
  2. Attend a karaoke night and find the individual who butchers your go-to song, turning it into an unforgivable musical tragedy.
  3. Look for the person at the dog park whose canine companion refuses to play nice with your precious fur baby, igniting a bitter interspecies rivalry.
  4. Head to the movie theater and single out the person who loudly munches on popcorn during the most emotionally charged scenes, shattering your cinematic experience.
  5. Visit your favorite coffee shop and spot the person who takes the last available power outlet, forcing you to work in a battery-draining abyss.
  6. Attend a wine tasting event and identify the person who bashes your favorite vino, questioning your very identity as a wine connoisseur.
  7. At the beach, find the person whose sandcastle puts yours to shame, causing you to question your own sand-sculpting prowess.
  8. Visit a museum and notice the person who openly mocks your favorite painting, sparking a fiery battle over artistic interpretation.
  9. Go to a yoga class and pinpoint the person whose flawless poses expose your own wobbly attempts, shaking the very core of your balance (both physical and spiritual).
  10. Head to a trivia night and spot the person who consistently answers faster and more accurately than you, challenging your reign as the ultimate trivia master.

Once you’ve located your arch-nemesis, it’s crucial to establish a set of absurd yet highly specific ground rules for your ongoing battles. Perhaps you’ll agree to only engage in combat on Tuesdays, or maybe you’ll restrict your showdowns to locations with a Yelp rating of 4 stars or higher. Negotiate terms that will both challenge and amuse you, ensuring that your encounters with your arch-nemesis never become stale or predictable.

Don’t forget to develop a signature move or secret weapon that will give you the upper hand in your confrontations. Whether it’s a well-timed quip, a hidden stash of glitter bombs, or the ability to summon an army of tap-dancing squirrels, your unique advantage will help you prevail in your endless struggle against your greatest foe.

And remember, beneath the rivalry and epic battles, there’s always room for a little camaraderie between you and your arch-nemesis. Embrace the challenge, savor the competition, and prepare for a lifetime of hilarious, action-packed showdowns with your one true enemy!

Step 7: Master the Art of Costume Design

urban fantasy costume

Your urban fantasy wardrobe should be equal parts practical and fashion-forward. Think combat boots with a hint of sparkle or enchanted armor that doubles as a statement piece. After all, you need to look fabulous while saving (or destroying) the world!

When designing your ultimate urban fantasy ensemble, consider incorporating elements that reflect your unique magical abilities and personal style. Are you an ice-wielding fashionista? Perhaps a fabulous faux-fur coat that doubles as a frosty force field is in order. Or maybe you’re a shapeshifting baker with a penchant for puns? In that case, a reversible apron adorned with cheeky catchphrases should do the trick. Or maybe you’re a flirtatious vampire with a penchant for dramatic entrances? In that case, a cape with built-in bat wings for those sultry, moonlit swoops could be the perfect addition.

Here are ten more examples to inspire your urban fantasy wardrobe:

  1. Are you a plant-controlling eco-warrior? Try rocking a pair of biodegradable boots that sprout flowers with every step you take, ensuring Mother Nature’s approval.
  2. As a fire-breathing seductress, consider wearing a sizzling red dress that not only ignites passion but also offers flame-resistant protection during those heated moments.
  3. For the time-traveling gym buff, sport a sweat-wicking jumpsuit adorned with a sundial belt buckle, allowing you to flex your muscles and manipulate time simultaneously.
  4. As a gravity-defying pole dancer, why not flaunt some levitating high heels that let you soar above the stage, defying both physics and conventional expectations?
  5. Are you a psychic bartender? Don a dashing suit with a crystal-ball tie clip that helps you predict drink orders before they’re even placed, leaving patrons both tipsy and amazed.
  6. For the werewolf hairstylist, consider wearing a silver-trimmed apron with a full moon brooch that ensures your lycanthropic tendencies don’t get in the way of your fabulous cuts and blowouts.
  7. As a telekinetic chef, embrace the power of a magnetic apron that effortlessly attracts all your cooking utensils, making meal prep a hands-free and mind-blowing experience.
  8. Are you a sleep-inducing librarian? Opt for a cozy robe adorned with hypnotic patterns that lull unruly patrons into a peaceful slumber, ensuring a quiet and serene reading environment.
  9. For the speed-demon DJ, sport a lightning bolt-embroidered tracksuit that not only keeps up with your supersonic beats but also charges your electronic devices in a flash.
  10. As a shapeshifting yoga instructor, consider wearing a stretchy, kaleidoscopic bodysuit that changes colors and patterns as you morph, providing both style and camouflage during your transformative poses.

Accessories are key when it comes to crafting the perfect urban fantasy outfit. Forget about conventional items like hats and scarves—go for something more daring, like a magical monocle that allows you to see into alternate dimensions, or a bedazzled broomstick perfect for high-speed chases through the city streets.

And don’t forget about the importance of pockets! You’ll need plenty of storage space for essential items like enchanted snacks, potions, and an emergency supply of witty one-liners.

Functionality should be a top priority when designing your urban fantasy wardrobe. Choose fabrics that are both stylish and durable, such as dragon-scale leather or enchanted silk that repels stains and projectiles with equal ease. You’ll want your outfit to withstand the rigors of battle while still looking runway-ready at a moment’s notice.

Step 8: Establish a Secret Lair

urban fantasy lair

No hero or villain is complete without a hidden sanctuary. Transform your basement, attic, or walk-in closet into a mystical hideout where you can plot world domination or concoct potions to vanquish evil. Just remember to keep the Wi-Fi password a secret—nothing spoils the mystique of a secret lair quite like an arch-nemesis live-tweeting your every move!

When designing your secret lair, it’s essential to focus on both aesthetics and functionality. Start by choosing a theme that reflects your unique urban fantasy persona. Are you a tech-savvy sorcerer? Opt for an industrial-chic decor with a touch of steampunk flair. Or perhaps you’re a nature-loving necromancer? In that case, a lush indoor garden complete with zombie topiaries and enchanted vines should do the trick.

Don’t forget to include essential features like a state-of-the-art potion lab, a library of ancient tomes and spellbooks, or a super-comfy hammock for those rare moments of downtime. And of course, every secret lair needs a well-stocked snack bar, complete with enchanted beverages and magically self-replenishing bags of chips.

Security is key when it comes to maintaining your secret lair’s secrecy. Invest in an array of mystical security measures, like a moat filled with sarcastic piranhas, a door that only opens when you perform your signature dance move, or an enchanted welcome mat that teleports unwanted guests straight to the nearest department of motor vehicles.

Lastly, no secret lair is complete without a hidden entrance. Consider installing a secret bookcase door, a portal hidden behind a poster, or a washing machine that doubles as a secret entrance when you set it to the “delicates” cycle, proving that even heroes and villains appreciate gentle fabric care.

Roll up your sleeves, grab your enchanted toolbox, and create the ultimate secret lair that’s equal parts whimsical, mysterious, and absolutely impervious to snooping enemies. With the perfect hideout at your disposal, you’ll be well on your way to achieving urban fantasy greatness!

Step 9: Cultivate Your Mysterious Aura

urban fantasy magic

To be a truly captivating urban fantasy protagonist, you must master the art of brooding. Practice your thousand-yard stare in the mirror and hone your ability to reveal tantalizing hints about your past without giving too much away. Enigmatic silence is your friend, as is a perpetual air of intrigue, like you’re constantly pondering the meaning of life—or deciding whether to order pizza or Chinese for dinner.

Begin by perfecting your entrance. Glide into rooms with an air of mystery, as if you’re floating on a cloud of secrets and unanswered questions. Train your hair to blow dramatically in the wind, even when there’s no breeze to be found. And remember, a well-timed eyebrow raise can speak volumes about your enigmatic nature.

Expand your wardrobe to include an assortment of brooding attire. Think flowing capes, shadowy hoodies, and sunglasses so dark they could hide the secrets of the universe. To really up your mystery game, consider wearing a mysterious locket containing a cryptic message, or a ring that holds the key to an ancient prophecy.

Conversation is an essential tool for cultivating your mysterious aura. Learn to speak in riddles and vague metaphors. When someone asks about your weekend plans, reply with a cryptic smile and a cryptic statement like, “Time, like the wind, has a way of revealing one’s true intentions.” Or when asked about your taste in music, reply mysteriously, “My ears dance to the melody of secrets whispered in the dark, accompanied by the rhythm of a racing heart.” People will be so perplexed by your enigmatic responses that they won’t be able to resist the allure of your mysterious persona.

Finally, consider taking up a hobby that adds to your mysterious image. Late-night strolls in misty graveyards, practicing calligraphy by candlelight, or collecting obscure antiques are all excellent ways to enhance your aura of secrecy and intrigue.

Embrace your inner enigma and cultivate a mysterious aura that will leave friends, foes, and casual acquaintances equally fascinated and confounded. With a little practice and a lot of brooding, you’ll become the urban fantasy protagonist (or antagonist) that everyone can’t help but obsess over!

Step 10: Embrace Your Destiny

humorous urban fantasy action hero

Now that you’ve completed your transformation, it’s time to embark on your urban fantasy adventure. Remember to face danger with humor, wield your supernatural powers with style, and never underestimate the power of a well-timed quip.

As you set out on your epic journey, don’t forget to document your exploits in a trusty, leather-bound journal. Chronicle your adventures with flair and wit, ensuring that your heroic (or villainous) deeds will live on for generations to come.

Always be prepared for unexpected plot twists and character development. Perhaps you’ll discover a long-lost sibling with their own set of magical powers, or maybe you’ll stumble upon a hidden realm of mystical creatures that desperately need your help. The possibilities are endless, and so are the opportunities for hilarious hijinks and heroic escapades.

But most importantly, never lose sight of your true purpose: to bring laughter, excitement, and a touch of magic to the mundane world. Whether you’re vanquishing evil, uncovering ancient prophecies, or simply making a mean cup of enchanted coffee, always remember to do it with humor, style, and a healthy dose of self-awareness.

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